YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through…
CATASAUQUA, PA—Positively brimming with joy after welcoming the infant into their home, first-time grandparents Edward and Colleen Harris told reporters Friday they were overwhelmed with emotion now that they finally…
Read more... Dad Wearing Some New Kind Of Headphones That Wrap Over, Under, Around Ears was orginially posted by The Onion
MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday that he feels as though he always has to be “on” when…
MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday…
ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his…
LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden…
LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his…
MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage…
LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered…
NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had…
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NEW YORK—Wishing he could just curl up under his blanket and die, infant Liam Henderson reportedly felt foolish Thursday after realizing a stranger he had responded to on the subway…
MOOSE LAKE, MN—Filled with dread at the thought of the upcoming relationship milestone, Erika Moreau, 30, told reporters Thursday she is nervous for dinner this evening, when her boyfriend will…
Read more... Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb was orginially posted by The Onion
MIAMI—Struggling to adjust to the controls and interfaces of the unfamiliar vehicle, business traveler Sam Mancini confirmed Wednesday that he had spent the initial 20 minutes in his rented 2018…
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Realizing that the black-and-white family photo on his bedside table seems like a scene from someone else’s life, puzzled divorcé David Reed admitted Tuesday that he didn’t even recognize…
BLUE BELL, PA—Saying it would be nice for her cat Joplin to have some company during the day, realtor Christie Marie Wolfe, 34, adopted a second cat Tuesday for Joplin…